How do you select your Airport Ensemble?

"Airport Ensemble?" you say.

Yes, and you know exactly what I'm talking about. You're going on a trip, and you're packing, and you have to think about what you are going to wear for the Travel Day. Your Airport Ensemble.

My perfect Airport Ensemble really IS perfect. Almost.

Comfortable underwear (start with a good foundation)

Gray Gap tank. "Gray", not "grey". We're not British, kids.

(tank has built-in bra - nothing sucks more than trying to sleep on a flight, in a bra. Side note: everything should come with a built-in bra. "Bra" starts to look funny if you read the word too many times.)

Gray, long cashmere cardigan.

Brown pashmina scarf (can double as a blanket).

Brown leather belt.

Earnest Sewn light denim jeans (these seriously are more comfortable than sweatpants).

Perfect! Except for one flaw. The boots. Tobacco brown suede, stacked heel, side zip boots. The boots look great, and keep you toasty when the airplane is freezing, and are surprisingly comfortable for walking (they have a built-in cushion). However, boots + airport security = potential nightmare. "Please take your boots off, and put them through the machine".

OH for crying out loud.

This is really not a major issue, if you are only going through security once.

However, if you are foolishly flying Lufthansa Airlines, and are unfamiliar with their transit procedures, you will have to go through security once in Zurich, and then twice at Stupid Munich Airport.

The boots? Kind of an albatross. AND then you're sweating, because you're running through the airport, because you had to go through security TWICE, and take your boots off TWICE, and put them back on (tuck the jeans, pull the bottoms down to eliminate bunching, zip...zip without getting jeans caught) TWICE, and then you've missed your flight.

But the boots are fabulous. FABULOUS. Now, take your missed-flight meal voucher and go get a beer, for crying out loud. (Ed note: I was crying out loud - quite literally).

Bottom line: I'm still searching for the perfect Airport Ensemble. Have you got one?

Our favorite travelin' Hooters Girl could have used some advice from Stacy London & Clinton Kelly.  However, most of the time, when watching TLC's "What Not To Wear", I am cringing and covering my eyes, while peeking out between my fingers, out of sheer embarrassment for the verbal fashion-whipping the poor, only-semi-willing participant, is receiving. 

 

 

I understand, it makes for good TV when the hosts are snarky, but I feel like the British duo (Trinny & Susannah) of the BBC America version, have really mastered the gentle wardrobe rebuke, while their brash American counterparts could use a little sensitivity training.

Stacy London is inifinitely more appealing on my new favorite show, "Fashion Fanatic" (TLC, check your local listings).  I stumbled across this show while avoiding my myriad to-do's knitting sweaters for Chinese orphans, in front of the television this past weekend.

Stacy was absolutely in her element:  guiding us through Parisian shoe boutiques, while chit-chatting with Christian Louboutin, or touring the Ferragamo workshop, repeating the three Italian words she knows to the non-English speaking cobbler.  She was as excited about the all the shoe-i-ness as I was (it's a word), and her obvious love and enthusiasm for fashion made the show that much more fun to watch.  I didn't cringe once.

Okay, maybe once, when Stacy paid a visit to some sort of cosmetic podiatrist (not sure if that is an actual profession), and the doctor injected something, like restalyn or botox or Pamela Anderson, into the balls of Stacy's feet - supposedly to alleviate stiletto pain.  Yikes!  Just pick up some Dr. Scholl's gel inserts!  Much less prickly and invasive!

Just like Stacy's new show. 

 Are you wearing something you shouldn't?

Nevermind the actual awards.  Am I going to have a red carpet extravaganza to look forward to?    Will there be a kaliedescopic parade of couture gowns sashaying into my living room anytime soon? (If you wear the 3D glasses, it really does seem as if they are walking into your living room).

The pre-awards show fashion circus is the real reason I watch the shows, and I'm preemptively depressed at the thought that there may not be a circus this year. 

How are the weekly magazines supposed to cope, without being able to post the comparative color-palette photo montage? 

 Are we going to miss another potentially stunning entrance like this?

 Where else am I supposed to get my Helen Mirren-fix? (LOVE her)

There won't be any photos of Jennifer Lopez with a fab hairdo, that I can spend hours in front of the mirror, knee deep in bobby pins and hairspray, attempting to duplicate.

 And Evangeline Lilly is typically the sole motivating factor in getting me on the treadmill.

 Although, to be honest, if I never see another stiff, tension-filled photo of this pair, I'd be okay.

 The Golden Globes are supposed to be fun!  Festive, shiny and happy!  And broadcast, for my viewing pleasure.

(Ed note: will continue to blame production studios, for not complying with writers' demands.  No Golden Globes AND still no new episodes of "The Office"?  You're killing me.)

I'm not sure if the VH1 coverage of the Critic's Choice Awards was supposed to placate my need for a gown-filled awards extravaganza...

"Thumbs down", or "2.5 stars", or "Not Hot".  This critic is choosing not to award anything here. 

The awards part was extremely awkward, with DL Hughley's painful, weak jokes, and a cringe-inducing screech speech from Best Young Actress, Nikki Blonsky:

 She was really fantastic in 'Hairspray', but please stop screeching - we get it, you're excited about beating out all the cuddly 8-yr-olds (no small feat, as my inappropriate crush, Michael Cera, sadly discovered in the Best Young Actor category).

I had to turn the show off, after 10 minutes.  I just couldn't sit through it.  But if you did happen to sit through it, and know anything about French actress Marion Cotillard:

 

and who created her sassy dress and delicious SHOES?  Please tell me! 

The best part of the show was the red carpet pre-funk, and more specifically, Ross The Intern (Ross Matthews - from the Jay Leno Show).

(Ed note: I could not find any photos of Ross from the Critics' Choice Awards Show, so had to post one from a completely different and, undoubtedly, completely more fun awards show.)

What a honey he is!  He was just so adorable, and thankfully NATURAL, with the celebrities he interviewed.  You know when you're watching someone interview a celebrity, and you can tell they are a robot aren't even paying attention or making an attempt at genuine interest in what the person has to say?  Ross was the opposite of that.

I would have enjoyed, and actually watched, the entire show if they'd had Ross just presenting the awards to the winners, right out there on the red carpet.

Although, did I, or did I not say, I did not want to see this

 

 If Ross had interviewed them, they would have been smiling.

 

I am enjoying the previews and trailers for "27 Dresses" so much, that I don't really want the movie to actually be released.

What if it's awful?  Or even worse, what if it's just Meh?

I want it to be hilarious.  I want it to be unexpected.  I want it to be a grown-up version of "Mean Girls", which I, unapologetically, saw four times in the theater.  That's right.  Four times. 

I loathe the Meh Romantic Comedies.  They're always such a disappointment.  And everything else about them is so pretty - the settings, the stars, the clothes, the characters' occupations.  I want to be able to enjoy more than just the preview. 

Pretty please? 

I cannot bear another totally cliche chase scene, probably near the end of the film, when our heroine decides to flee from it all - possibly on an airplane - and the leading man races to stop her, to explain the misunderstanding and profess his love, while some cheesy, timeworn Motown song plays in the background.

I have no idea if this happens in "27 Dresses", but it pretty much has in every other romantic comedy.

I read a blurb about the film that hinted at a bad karaoke scene, where the entire bar ends up singing along.

Egads - not the sing-a-long!  I have to run for the medicine cabinet every time "My Best Friend's Wedding" comes on TBS, and they show the sing-a-long scene.  The entire cast, singing along to a cheesy, timeworn Motown song.

Maybe I should see it, back-to-back, with "No Country For Old Men", just for some balance.  Then I can create a combination film later, in my head, like "No Country For Old Men Wearing 27 Dresses", which would be something along the lines of "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert", and carnage would be unleashed upon all who dared to participate in the sing-a-long.

I would put Javier Bardem in this:

 

In the wake of the writers' strike, several "reality" shows have sprung up to fill the entertainment void.  "Reality" tv is embarrassingly good fun, and has quickly become my Achilles' heel. 

I adore people-watching.  Who cares if the people are spouting slightly-scripted dialogue, and occasionally have to recreate situations for the camera?

I'm not here to judge.

Although I am enthusiastically volunteering to judge on "Make Me A Supermodel" (Bravo, check your local listings), with 90s supermodels Nikki Taylor, and Tyson Beckford hosting.

 

When I first saw the ads for this show, I rolled my eyes so hard my contacts flipped out of my eyes and shot across the room.

"Urf, and puh-leeeeez, pfft".  I wasn't feeling entirely articulate that day, but the sounds did acurately describe my initial reaction .

I had watched a few episodes of "America's Most Smartest Model", a completely different-but-really-the-same model-themed "reality" show, which was pretty bland, and there were a few contestants that had no business posing for anything other than a driver's license photo.

(Where did I put that scratching post?) 

If I wanted to watch unattractive, awkward people interacting, I would climb in my time-machine and go back to Miss Marchesi's 7th grade gym class, when we were doing our Square Dancing unit.  Yikes.

My verdict is still out on "Make Me A Supermodel", other than my observation that a few of the contestants are slightly delicious,

 

 

 

and I think it's perfectly okay to just absorb their outer-gorgeousness for a half hour or so. 

Or 4 hours.  Bravo might air a marathon this weekend. 

 

It looks like Sex & The City:

Four women, New York City, fantastically chic outfits, coffee shop meetings, 

It sounds like Sex & The City:

Plinky-plonky background music, and quick-paced dialogue, peppered with sassy quips.

But it is no Sex & The City. 

There are several child-characters, who have far too much dialogue for my liking. The two married-people storylines smack of warmed-over Melrose Place, and Melrose Place should really only be served hot.  And I watched the entire episode, without ever knowing what the characters' names were.  This may, or may not, be my own fault.  The Carrie-one, the Miranda-one, and the Charlotte-one were not appealing enough for me to care what was happening in their lives.  I usually love Lucy Liu, though, and will be patient until she grows into the role (she's the Carrie-one).

I think the reason I don't like them, is that, so far, they appear to be flawless, and invulnerable. 

I want the Carrie-wiping-out-on-the-catwalk.

I want the Miranda-getting-bombed-to-cope-with-her-uber-hot-date.

I want the Charlotte-yelling-about-wrapping-a-stapler-in-a-brown-paper-bag-and-smearing-poo-on-it-for-a-shower-gift.

Those are characters I love. 

I do enjoy the Samantha-one, though.  Bonnie Sommerville is great.  Every other character I've seen her play has been a Pollyanna-ish, squeaky-clean, pink-cardigan-wearing Junior-Leaguer (no offense to Pollyanna, squeaky-clean people, people who wear pink cardigans, or Junior Leagers).  She's edgier in this; kind of goofy, and funny to watch.

Cashmere Mafia hasn't been whacked yet, so I will probably watch it, if it sneaks up on me while I'm trying to pretend I'm keeping up with the election coverage. 

 

Sunday night, I should have been watching the Golden Globes Fashion Extravaganza, but it wasn't on. 

To stave off the fashion-cravings, I have created my ideal red carpet procession.  And my recommendations for who should be wearing what, and, naturally, prefaced by the designer, so you aren't all yelling out "WHO ARE YOU WEARING?": 

There are Two Types of People.  Yes, only two.  Stop trying to be all diverse and whatnot. 

There are 1)  Shoe People and there are 2) Handbag People. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't try to argue with me.  It doesn't matter if you have both shoes, and handbags. 

If there arose a "Deal or No Deal" choice, and you absolutely had to pick EITHER shoes OR handbags, there would be a clear division of the Two Types of People.

I am a Shoe People.  This may come as a surprise to, well, probably no one.  I love me some shoes.  I love looking at shoes, buying shoes, talking about shoes, photographing shoes - shall I go on?  No?  You get it, okay. 

What you may not know, is that my shoes can totally beat up your handbag. 

Handbag?  Pfft.  I don' need no stinkin' handbag.  I have pockets.  And hands.  And friends with handbags, for my very bulky items, like that ridiculous case for my Ralph Lauren sunglasses, that could be mistaken for an armored truck.

And the handbag can be so cumbersome!  You arrive at the restaurant/bar for a snack & drink, and then what?  Where does that behemoth go?  On the back of the chair, where the waiter continually jostles it/spills drinks on it/knocks it to the ground?  Under the table?  Not near my shoes, it doesn't.

The shoes are absolutely necessary for protecting your feet from concrete, bad weather, broken glass, and just general evil.

My shoes?  Some are heavy, some are clompy, some are spiky, but all are 100% fierce.

If it ever came down to a cagematch, a la Mad Max & Thunderdome, you'd better watch your back.

Unless you are Katie Holmes' new Birkin bag: